Sandusky Duggared Me So Hard My Hastert

Dennis_Hastert_2

Uh-oh! Looks like another “family values” Republican has a dark secret – which he was willing to pay a former student $3.5 million in hush money to stay hushed! When the sketchy details were laid out in a federal indictment last May, we all knew it was a sex scandal behind the hush money. The only question was: Boy or girl? Since ex-Speaker of the House Denny Hastert was also a former wrestling coach at Yorkville High, I immediately put my money on “boy”. I should have used the plural. Boys. At least four of them identified so far.

Of course, being a Republican, Hastert made it his duty to make life as difficult as possible for gays.

Here’s ex-Speaker Hastert’s LGBT voting record:

  • Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination based on sexual orientation.
  • Voted YES on Constitutionally defining marriage as one-man-one-woman.
  • Voted YES on Constitutional Amendment banning same-sex marriage.
  • Voted NO to overturn “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” ban on openly gay soldiers.

It’s getting to the point when a politician comes out against gay marriage, you automatically wonder how many kids they’ve fucked.

* This whole thing reminds me of that old political maxim: Don’t get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

* There may be additional victims, (maybe they settled for less than $10,00 in hush money). I’ll update when I find out more or have some better jokes.

**Update:

Heres a snippet from Coach Hastert’s book posted on Buzzfeed.

“I felt a special bond with our wrestlers,” he writes in the book, “and I think they felt one with me. In my talks with them, I stressed how important it was that they learned to do a few things well. That was better than trying to do everything halfway. ‘It’s work and not talk that wins championships,’ I kept telling them. ‘Perseverance is the key in whatever you do.’”

Also, it appears the Coach was kind enough to volunteer to drive some of his team members to wrestling camp way, way far off in Colorado! And they all stayed in a single cabin!  What a caring Coach.

***Update: Breaking News!

Hastert sentenced to 15 months in prison!

Also, Hastert’s victims confirmed as male members of the Wrestling Team he coached. (Told you so last year!)

Politics is so strange. One of Dennis Hastert’s victims is former Illinois Republican State Rep. Tom Cross’s younger brother. The victim never came forward publicly until Hastert, shockingly, and in very bad taste, asked his victim’s brother to write a character letter for Haster’s sentencing for bank fraud.

I don’t get it. Did Hastert forget he molested this man’s brother? How many kids did this perv abuse?

What’s really weird is that Dennis Hastert replaced Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House of Representatives after Gingrich got caught having an affair and after Gingrich’s replacement Bob Livingston got caught having an affair. So, all three Speakers of the House involved in prosecuting Bill Clinton for lying about a BJ were themselves covering up dark secrets!

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