Category Archives: Religion

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Buzzing for Jesus

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So, this afternoon some kindly, well dressed Christian lady with her equally well dressed two young daughters just randomly buzzed my buzzer hoping to talk to me about Jesus. I was expecting a UPS delivery, not deliverance.

She was already on thin ice when she greeted me with “I’m so sorry, I see I got you up from a nap.”

Instead of replying,” No bitch, I always look tired and disheveled, thank you very much,” I was gracious.

Refusing her religious pamphlet, I politely informed her I was comfortable with my decision to burn in hell; and unless she had a package from Amazon, she should please move on to her next address.

She then asked me which buzzer was mine, as she was planning on ringing the next apartment in my 7 unit building. “Maybe they want to hear the Good News I bring.”

“Look,” I said, getting a bit annoyed, “I know my neighbors, and they’re also comfortable burning in hell. We’ve made a pact.”

As they left the lobby, I complimented her two young girls, both adorably dressed in their church best.

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Refuseland: A Dystopic Christian Wet Dream

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I went to the post office and the clerk refused my rainbow stamp. She said I could go to the next county over to mail my letter.

Then I tried to renew my driver’s license, but the only person available was a Muslim female who couldn’t talk to me because I wasn’t her husband or brother.

After that disappointment, I attempted to file my taxes, but the IRS employee wouldn’t approve my charitable donation because he said he doesn’t approve of my church.

Boy, it sure is hard to do business with all these different religious preferences being expressed in government offices – and now my driver’s license is expired! Hopefully, I’ll be able to get home on a bus driven by an atheist.

I wonder how it is in Iran?

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Trumped Up Bible Quotes

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Donald Trump says he loves the Bible, but when asked he couldn’t name a single verse. Twitter users have hilariously come to his rescue using the #TrumpBible hashtag. Here’s my Trumped up Bible offerings.

“Do unto others the way they do you, but a lot harder, especially if it’s that fat loser Rosie O’Donell.”

“It’s easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than keep Mexicans out of our country. But I’ll make bigger, wider needles and build higher fences.”

“When Jesus was crucified – like I was by Megyn Kelly, he had blood coming out of his hands and feet and whatever, I prefer alive martyrs myself, but he said some good stuff.”

“The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, because wanting is for losers. I’m a winner and I get what I want.”

“Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest….I got a string of very classy hotels, so I know a lot about that.”

#TrumpBible

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Losing My Faith in A Higher Pasta

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 I’m in a quandary. I’ve been giving serious thought to switching my parody religion. Don’t get me wrong, my current fake set of beliefs have served me well these many years, and I’ve gotten a lot of laughs out of them…yet I find myself unfulfilled.

So, should I convert to Invisible Pink Unicornism or stick with the old Flying Spaghetti Monster?

You see, this has nothing to do with Pastafarianism. I really enjoy their rituals, (like “Talk Like Pirate Day”), but to me the FSM, (bless his noodley appendages) seems a bit too far-fetched – even for a religion. After all, how could a carb create life when we’ve come to realize how bad carbs are for life? Besides, if I wanted to ritualistically eat my God, I’d go back to Catholicism.

A good parody religion must be as implausible as the religion it lampoons and be equally impossible to disprove. With all of our advanced technology, I’m pretty sure a giant floating plate of pasta and meatballs would have been detected by now.

The Invisible Pink Unicorn has the advantage of seeming less far fetched to me than flying spaghetti. At least compared to talking snakes and Noah’s Ark. The IPU is impossible to disprove or even see because – duh – He’s invisible! And the reason we can’t detect Him is explained conveniently right there in His name! He is invisible – yet He is pink, or has a pinkness about Him. I like pink.

But just to be on the safe side – Ramen.