Donald Trump says he loves the Bible, but when asked he couldn’t name a single verse. Twitter users have hilariously come to his rescue using the #TrumpBible hashtag. Here’s my Trumped up Bible offerings.
“Do unto others the way they do you, but a lot harder, especially if it’s that fat loser Rosie O’Donell.”
“It’s easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than keep Mexicans out of our country. But I’ll make bigger, wider needles and build higher fences.”
“When Jesus was crucified – like I was by Megyn Kelly, he had blood coming out of his hands and feet and whatever, I prefer alive martyrs myself, but he said some good stuff.”
“The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, because wanting is for losers. I’m a winner and I get what I want.”
“Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest….I got a string of very classy hotels, so I know a lot about that.”
Now that family values spokesman (and Babysitter of the Year) Josh Duggar has been caught with his pants down again – this time cheating on his wife – it’s time for the Duggar family to pitch yet another new reality show to replace the money stream from losing their old one. Apparently it’s hard to feed 19 kids without counting on reality show money.
May I suggest:
“Christian Cheaters” where Josh helps snare cheating women by having sex with them.
“To Catch a Christian Predator”, where each week Josh catches himself.
“Truth and No Consequences”, a court room where Josh judges everyone and everyone gets off scott free if they say the magic phrase, “Christian persecution”.
“Duggars For Hire”, where Josh and his parents have to get real jobs now that their scam is over.
Exclusive photos of Michelle Duggar using her vagina as a Slip-n-Slide for Jesus to give birth to 19 kids (and counting)!
I’m in a quandary. I’ve been giving serious thought to switching my parody religion. Don’t get me wrong, my current fake set of beliefs have served me well these many years, and I’ve gotten a lot of laughs out of them…yet I find myself unfulfilled.
So, should I convert to Invisible Pink Unicornism or stick with the old Flying Spaghetti Monster?
You see, this has nothing to do with Pastafarianism. I really enjoy their rituals, (like “Talk Like Pirate Day”), but to me the FSM, (bless his noodley appendages) seems a bit too far-fetched – even for a religion. After all, how could a carb create life when we’ve come to realize how bad carbs are for life? Besides, if I wanted to ritualistically eat my God, I’d go back to Catholicism.
A good parody religion must be as implausible as the religion it lampoons and be equally impossible to disprove. With all of our advanced technology, I’m pretty sure a giant floating plate of pasta and meatballs would have been detected by now.
The Invisible Pink Unicorn has the advantage of seeming less far fetched to me than flying spaghetti. At least compared to talking snakes and Noah’s Ark. The IPU is impossible to disprove or even see because – duh – He’s invisible! And the reason we can’t detect Him is explained conveniently right there in His name! He is invisible – yet He is pink, or has a pinkness about Him. I like pink.
Last week, Fox News host Megyn Kelly spent two nights explaining why a 15 year old white child molester should be forgiven for repeatedly finger banging his sleeping toddler sisters (and other un-consenting household guests). This week, a black 15 year old girl is “no saint” because she “lingered” at a pool party after a cop told her to leave.
In molester-apologist Megyn Kelly’s twisted world: Lingering = Bad. Fingering = Not so bad.
The topper is Megyn Kelly’s choice of guests to provide her audience an analysis of the disturbing McKinney, Texas police incident caught on tape; and whether the police acted reasonably when a 200lb cop violently smashed a 15 year old bikini clad girl to the ground: for this delicate task Ms. Kelly chose convicted perjurer and admitted racist, ex-cop Mark Fuhrman. You can’t make this shit up.
I’m beginning to think Fox News might be enabling racists. And pedophiles.
In light of Megyn Kelly’s interview last night, it looks like the Duggar’s show “19 Kids and Counting” has attracted some brand new sponsors!
Kwikset Locks and Deadbolts
Bushnell Night Vision Goggles
ADT Home Security Systems
Christian Prepper’s Pepper Spray – Brother Strength
Wait.. I got more…
How did Josh Duggar’s parents catch on he was molesting all the kids?
When they asked Josh to show them his hands, he had a sister on each finger.
What’s the most overused phrase in the Duggar household?
“Honey my water broke.”
What’s the second most overused phrase?
“Quit molesting the girls, Josh.”
Oh, yeah, and this one:
A gentleman from the North, dating one of the Duggar sisters of Arkansas and not acquainted with Southern fundamentalist Christian customs, intends to ask his beloved to marry him. But first, he politely asks if she’s still a virgin. This causes the Duggar girl to become enraged, yelling at her suitor while pounding on his chest,
“Are you calling my brothers queer or something?”
I’ll add to these as they come and TM for them too!
Headline from the Business Insider: Let’s add Mike Huckabee to the list of republican conservative Christian perverts. It’s just amazing to hear a Presidential candidate – and Fox News personality – wistfully talk about his missed opportunities to shower with high school girls.
Between this and his dismissing Josh Duggar’s midnight finger banging of his sleeping toddler sisters as “a teenage mistake”, I’m thinking Huckabee may be just another in a string of religious perverts with a secret. Does he have a Duggar/Hastert/Sandusky problem?
Of course, every time one of these religious fanatics open their big fat mouths condemning other people’s morals, they end up sticking their big fat foot back in. They say gays are cramming things down their throat, but there’s actually no more room.
With all the Duggarbots defending molestation and now Mike Huckabee, It appears southern Bible Belt Christians have a taste for tender girl flesh. In fact, the age of consent in Huckabee/Dugger County (Arkansas) is the lowest in the land: 14.
If you’re anything like Mike Huckabee or Josh Duggar, you are probably wondering which States allow you to fuck minor children. Here’s a handy video to help you remember the age of consent laws in all 50 States! Remember, the redder the State, the lower the age of consent!!
Uh-oh! Looks like another “family values” Republican has a dark secret – which he was willing to pay a former student $3.5 million in hush money to stay hushed! When the sketchy details were laid out in a federal indictment last May, we all knew it was a sex scandal behind the hush money. The only question was: Boy or girl? Since ex-Speaker of the House Denny Hastert was also a former wrestling coach at Yorkville High, I immediately put my money on “boy”. I should have used the plural. Boys. At least four of them identified so far.
Of course, being a Republican, Hastert made it his duty to make life as difficult as possible for gays.
Here’s ex-Speaker Hastert’s LGBT voting record:
Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination based on sexual orientation.
Voted YES on Constitutionally defining marriage as one-man-one-woman.
Voted YES on Constitutional Amendment banning same-sex marriage.
Voted NO to overturn “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” ban on openly gay soldiers.
It’s getting to the point when a politician comes out against gay marriage, you automatically wonder how many kids they’ve fucked.
* This whole thing reminds me of that old political maxim: Don’t get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
* There may be additional victims, (maybe they settled for less than $10,00 in hush money). I’ll update when I find out more or have some better jokes.
Heres a snippet from Coach Hastert’s book posted on Buzzfeed.
“I felt a special bond with our wrestlers,” he writes in the book, “and I think they felt one with me. In my talks with them, I stressed how important it was that they learned to do a few things well. That was better than trying to do everything halfway. ‘It’s work and not talk that wins championships,’ I kept telling them. ‘Perseverance is the key in whatever you do.’”
Also, it appears the Coach was kind enough to volunteer to drive some of his team members to wrestling camp way, way far off in Colorado! And they all stayed in a single cabin! What a caring Coach.
***Update: Breaking News!
Hastert sentenced to 15 months in prison!
Also, Hastert’s victims confirmed as male members of the Wrestling Team he coached. (Told you so last year!)
Politics is so strange. One of Dennis Hastert’s victims is former Illinois Republican State Rep. Tom Cross’s younger brother. The victim never came forward publicly until Hastert, shockingly, and in very bad taste, asked his victim’s brother to write a character letter for Haster’s sentencing for bank fraud.
I don’t get it. Did Hastert forget he molested this man’s brother? How many kids did this perv abuse?
What’s really weird is that Dennis Hastert replaced Newt Gingrich as Speaker of the House of Representatives after Gingrich got caught having an affair and after Gingrich’s replacement Bob Livingston got caught having an affair. So, all three Speakers of the House involved in prosecuting Bill Clinton for lying about a BJ were themselves covering up dark secrets!
For those morons who think Indiana’s religious nut law is “just like” 19 other states, let me educate you: there are federal protections against discrimination for race and sex, but not sexual orientation. A gay person can legally be fired in any state that doesn’t have a non-discrimination ordinance like we do in Illinois. The state law in Indiana supersedes local non discrimination laws, like the one in Indianapolis, making the refusal to hire or service gay people legal throughout the state. The whole reason the law was enacted was to give permission to bakers and florists to refuse service to gay couples. The law is the direct result of animus against gays. It is hate.
People with low IQs can’t imagine that similar laws may have different effects in different states depending on what other laws are also in effect. For example, each State has a constitution that may limit the scope of any law subsequently passed. Illinois’ Anti Discrimination Law gives statewide protections to LGBT in hiring, housing and public accommodations, excepting “ministerial” employers from the law. The Illinois Religious protection act doesn’t strip away these protections. In Indiana, where there were no protections to begin with, except at the local level – which this new state law now overrides, LGBT are further disadvantaged because the State has given explicit signals that gays are the real subject of this act.
To those bigoted businesses owners who think they should be able refuse service based on their freedom of religion, I ask you: who paid for the the road leading people to your business? Who paid for the sidewalk? The Police, the Fire Department? The taxpayers in your community paid for the infrastructure that allows you to prosper, including gays and divorcees, and people on their 5th marriage. Public accommodation laws respect this arrangement. Indiana’s law turns this polite concept on it’s head.
I could imagine begrudgingly supporting a version of Indiana’s pro discrimination law if it required businesses to display on their windows and websites which taxpayers in the community they refuse to serve. That way no one would have to suffer the indignity of being turned away from a public business for violating the owners hateful religious beliefs.
I’m definitely gonna join this boycott. But I HAVE to travel through Indiana a few times a year to visit my Mom in Ohio. Should I call ahead to inform them of my new religion, The First Church of No Speed Limits? I’d hate to have my religious beliefs infringed on the Tollway. #boycottindiana
The title of the “Most Interesting Man I‘ve Ever Met” would go to my old friend Dr. Richard Foley. He’s also the leading candidate for the “Craziest Man I‘ve Ever Met”.
Richard was a recently retired college professor when I first met him at one of his infamous after-hours parties. I was writing a nightlife column at the time for the Chicago Free Press, so our paths were destined to cross. When I first laid eyes on him, he was holding court around his sprawling couch, a cigarette dangling in his hand, ashes going everywhere but in the amply full ashtray in front of him. I still remember his booming laugh as he concluded an elaborate “dumb blond joke”, a funny joke that was all the funnier for his dramatic re-telling.
Richard had been a tenured Professor at the University of Illinois, and a well-known expert in the psychology of education. A brilliant man from a humble and chaotic blue collar childhood, he studied hard and received degrees from the University of Chicago and Roosevelt University. A lover of both psycho and drama, (his favorite movie being “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”) Richard relished getting friends or strangers on his proverbial couch to spill their guts or to take one of those standard personality tests, which he’d administer like he was reading you your fortune.
Richard loved telling the story about one of these late night psychotherapy “patients”; a young man who confessed to Richard that what he wanted most in the world was to become a fashion model. Richard thought the guy was over estimating his attractiveness. Not one to hold back on dashing dreams, Richard explained to him that professional models all tended to have certain ratios and symmetries to their facial features; and then proceeded to whip out a tape measure to assess the degree of the bad news, which he delivered with a sympathetic shake of his head, “Pity.”
He was a great listener and a mentor to many, but, alas, a terrible role model. He drank Skyy vodka from morning to, well until the next morning, while also using stimulants to mask his intoxication. He had a good excuse for his drinking and drug abuse though. For over twenty years he had walked around with a grapefruit sized hole in his leg, the former home of a cancerous tumor – whose removal left a giant radiated, un-healing wound, the sight of which would make a battlefield doctor vomit and go AWOL. The radiation rendered the wound incapable of healing over and un-bandaged you could see bone and a good place to smuggle things through an airport. So, he had an excellent excuse to drink – the alcohol and pills kept him mobile, until the pain became unbearable and he had to lay down.
Richard had a terrific sense of humor and a hearty laugh to go with it. He loved a good joke or even better, a good insult. Because of his leg, he preferred hosting in his large Edgewater condo overlooking the lake. When the bars let out, there was always a place to hang. I saw many a sunrise from his balcony. I also got to learn about condo boards from his various run-ins with them over his late night extravaganzas. He was actually forced to sell one of his old places after too many complaints. That condo board had a dossier on him thicker than Bin Ladin’s – which he loved to bring out and read a loud from.
His funniest condo board run-in happened one morning around sunrise when some of his departing guests discovered there was a swimming pool on the roof of his high rise building. Richard sent me to shoo them out, but the water did look refreshing and I confess I may have been negligent in performing my duties.
Unfortunately, sunrise is also a popular time for old people to swim laps.
The resulting condo board complaint indicated there was “noxious sexual activity” going on in the pool, which was untrue; as I argued to the board, it was merely two people innocently rubbing against each other rhythmically in order to keep warm in the chilly pool. I think we got the fine down to $600 that time.
He died a few years back. The cancer came roaring back in his leg and he refused his doctor’s advice to amputate. I begged him too lose the damn leg – I even offered to lop it off myself. But he let the cancer take him. I hope when I go, my friends will think as fondly of me as they do of Richard.
Now, may I present a never before seen video of Richard as the Marlboro Man – in a home video filmed by his Polish ex-boyfriend who I’ll call Jack. (As Jack is a doctor now living in a conservative country, he wants to remain anonymous). It took years for me to track him down for this video. A copy of it disappeared from Richard’s safe after he passed, along with the notorious “Sketch Book” a diary in which visitors would write interesting things or tell jokes or draw cartoons.
A long time ago, I wrote a steamy, erotic story about a naive, young window blind salesman caught up in a sado-masochistic relationship with one of his wealthy clients – after carelessly signing a contract to install drapes and blinds without noticing the kinky sub-clause allowing him to be severely punished if the blinds are in any way unsatisfactory.
I called it “Fifty Grades of Shade”.
I’ll have to consult my sexy lawyer, who is also into contracts.